How Bands Got Their Name: Nickelback
The first part in what will be an ongoing series recreating the exact moment a band came up with its name. This is only semi-biographical in nature, and I take (only a few) liberties with the narrative. Kinda like “What Is The What” but with less child refugees and more dick jokes.
“And that’s why I giggle when I see your picture…yeeeeeeeeeah” Chad swooned into the empty Labatt’s Blue can taped to the end of his mop brush. He brushed back a stray curl and wiped his brow with the bottom of his Affliction shirt. Doing so, he cut himself on one of the 800 plastic studs adorning the shirt, but he didn’t give a shit. He’s a goddamn rockstar. And rockstars don’t care about getting cut by the flair on their t-shirts. Steven Tyler never cares when he catches one of his 24 scarves in the zipper of his pants does he? No, he surely does not. And all the wild Winnipeg poontang Chad will soon be swimming in won’t care either. They love hard guys with wet-poodle hair and apparel-related injuries. He thought about this and other things as his bandmates awkwardly shifted, waiting for his next cue. They were used to Chad just trailing off into his mind as he ruminated on how awesome he is and how more awesome he will be.
“Great run-through there Chad,” his little brother Mike offered up in an attempt to bring him back. “But, ah, do you know when you’ll be able to buy a real mic?”
“The wild Winnipeg poontang won’t care what I sing into — they’ll ride me in a stall at Hat Trick’s even if I sing into a plate of poutine” Chad snapped. No one knew what he meant but they’d learned not to challenge him. “Besides, little Mikey,” he continued, “We’ve got bigger beaver tails to fry. Like what’s our name gonna be, eh? You fellas seem to be so against Kroegerator, but you can’t come up with anything better.” Chad had them there. All they could agree on was that the names they played under so far didn’t work (Chad and The Mounties, White Stitched Jeans, The Other True Religion, Molsonites, and The Kroeger Boyz to name a few).
“We could go back to our cover band name…” Ryan suggested nervously.
“Village Idiot*!? Really, Ryan!?” screeched Chad, “Have you already forgotten the gig in Barnaby 2 years ago? We got laughed out of the bar with everyone trying to put dunce hats on us when we tried to do ‘Sad But True’. I had to repaint the band van after that, and that was a custom airbrushed paint job!”
Well, thought Mike, he’s been set off now. The only way to calm down Chad when he got like this is with a ginger ale. Mike reached into his pocket and pulled out the change to see if he had enough for the vending machine. He was just short. Then he remembered that Chad owed him some money anyway. Weighing his options, Mike decided it was for the best to bite the bullet now so that he could come back with the soda.
“Well at least we’re sounding like lady-banging rockstars we are, right Chad? I mean, that was a solid practice. You’re songwriting is killer. Anyway, I was just thinking, you remember that time last week when I lent you a dollar, and you paid me back for most of it?”, Mike asked.
“Yeah!? What of it? I’m your bro, bro. You know I’m good for it,” Chad snapped.
“I know, I know. I mean you already repaid 95 cents of it, but I was just really thirsty and I’m a little short for a soda so….can I have my nickel back?
As soon as Mike finished his question everyone froze. Eyes widened. Dicks got hard. They may not have money. They may be singing into empty beer cans. But in that moment they knew that someday Nickelback would rule the world.
*This is the ACTUAL name of the first cover band started by the Kroeger brothers