The Perfect Valentine’s Day: A Definitive Guide

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With Valentine’s Day is around the corner, many a heart-eyed romantics will be fretting over how to properly woo their true loves. Having been successful in this realm ones of times myself, I wanted to give you, dear Romantic, the tell-all guide based on all of my many many one experience of success (and juuuuuust a tiny bit of research). Turns out it’s not all that complicated to get it right. Some key components can sometimes be hard to come by, but trust me it will be worth it in the end. To easily pull off the perfect day, I’ve compiled this guide as a recipe of sorts. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ingredients:

• (1) She-wolf den
• (1) Goat (male, see Note)
• (1) Dog (see Note)
• (1) Knife (very sharp)
• Several strips of wool
• Milk (any)
• (1) Urn, preferably clay and definitely without anyone’s ashes in them

Directions:

1. By far one of the hardest things is to find the den of a she-wolf. While a Valentine’s Day purist (commonly referred to as a Luperci) would only accept a she-wolf den at the southwest foot of the Palantine Hill, the greater community of she-wolf den enthusiasts does not recognize it as THE official she-wolf den region. This of course doesn’t help you if you’re in a continent like South America, Africa, or Australia, where she-wolf dens (and she-wolves and regular wolves) don’t exist. But do your best. For instance, a dingo bed, or a hyena yurt. Anyway, once you’ve found the den, get your male goat and dog into position and take your clothes off.
   NOTE: What follows may be a trigger warning. As a doting father of a pup myself, I realize this is a tough thing to deal with. But this is in the name of Love (with a capital “L”) folks.
2. Once naked and properly situated in front of the den, pull out your very sharp knife and sacrifice both the male goat and dog. The goat will bring fertility and the dog purity. Why does the fertility goat have to be male? Have you seen a goat’s balls? No, I won’t link that to a pic. Do your own dirty googling. Anyway, this is only going to get worse, but keep in mind the whole cap “L” thing. Cut the goat’s hide into (bloody) strips. Now smear said blood onto your naked body. This can be done with a buddy if you’re having trouble properly smearing.
3. Having been properly smeared, now take one or several strips of wool and soak them in milk. Use the milk-soaked strips to wipe off the blood. You’ll probably get quite jovial doing this, and will laugh. That’s totes fine. Also, if you’re uncomfortable using animal milk, oat or almond or any nut milk is also totes fine. I mean, you did just sacrifice two animals but we all have our thresholds.
4. Cut the rest of the goat hide into strips and make sure they’re good and bloody, though if you did the sacrifice correctly that won’t be a problem. Fun fact — these are called thongs or februa, finally solving not only what Sisqo was singing about all these years, but where the dumbest month name came from (yes, February, we’re talking about you). If you’re feeling particularly self-conscious, you may at this point go semi-clothed, though keep in mind if you choose to clothe the top half only, you’re a psychopath.
5. Now for the fun part (as if it hasn’t all been fun, amirite!?). Take to the streets! Run around your neighborhood/town/city and slap that bloody februa on everything! Focus specifically on crops and women if possible, though let’s be real, this is 2021 and we’re not trying to be sexist about whom we slap with our bloody goat strips. You may think “Holy frankincense how will I even remotely do that!? People are going to run screaming if I try to slap them with a bloody goat strip!” Clearly, you don’t understand the true power of Valentine’s Day. People will welcome the slaps. They’ll run to you. Hell, some may even bare some extra skin to be slapped ;) ;)
6. Once you’ve slapped all people, crops, buildings, and vehicles, you can now bust out your urn. There’s some debate as to whether or not you can have the urn pre-placed or if it needs to be brought out at the correct time. Obviously, if you’re running around naked (or semi-naked) slappin’ your thongs on people, it’s a bit tough to have an urn with you. For simplicity’s sake, I like to pre-place my urn ahead of time. Once placed, people will enthusiastically come to the urn and drop their names in. If you want extra browny points, have pencils and paper at the ready, though this is not required. And again, as we are a more advanced and forward-thinking people, I suggest you shirk the tradition of “women’s names only.” The size and quantity of urn depends on how many people are in your local area. For instance, I live in an area of approximately 56,859 people. So I like to have 2–3 urns at-hand.
7. After all names are placed in the urn, eligible bachelors can go and pick a name out of the urn. Now this is important — whatever name the urn gives you, that’s it. You’re coupled. None of this “Oh that person’s ugly” or “That’s not in line with my sexual orientation.” That’s not how love works. It works, to put it technically, in mysterious ways. You must remain coupled for the duration of Valentine’s Day, though in my experience couples stay together until the following year’s festival and many even marry. And yes, by “being coupled” I most certainly infer relations of an intimate nature.

There you have it! You’ve now pulled off the p e r f e c t Valentine’s Day. Sure, it may be a touch spicier, adventurous, and more bloody, violent and sexually-charged than what you thought would happen on Valentine’s Day, but let me ask you this: What signifies love more readily? Box full of graffiti-laden chalk? Chocolates? Flowers that will literally stab you if given the opportunity? Or blood soaked thongs and animal sacrifice? I rest my case.

References:

https://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day-2

https://www.history.com/topics/ancient-rome/lupercalia